Tag Archives: silence

silence;

14 Nov

Chipped and sharp, my nails are no longer white. They are grey and apathetic to the skin surrounding them. This is not about the flame, but about the cold. This is not about the good, it is about the uncertain. This is not about the truth, it is about the mystery; anything could be true or false at this very moment. This is not about reality, it is about infinite possibility, the opposite of every impossibility you have ever entertained. 

My skin reacts to this, chills and rejection of the bland. Goosebumps because, just because. In this space of no flavor, nothing happens for the pleasure of your senses. In this state of being, comfort is extremely similar to boredom. In this kingdom of routine, the sun hides and winds blow, uncertain and unappreciated. My head rests, and my body slows, little motion brings forth less life. 

I bring music to my silence and he asks my imagination for a dance. His voice and his words ring and play on my nonchalance waking my curiousity and interest. I enjoy it. Softly, slowly, and quietly I anticipate the way his breath sounds in my ears. Violin, piano…and then percussion a simple perfection to my sleepy, bored and comfortable senses. Perfect. He asks about my feelings, he asks about my words, letters and emptiness in between. On repeat, two,three, four times I know his words now, I smile. One beat upon the next I find that I have been pacing around this space letter by letter. Step by step I trace the warmth of my letters, I press every word and I prepare my self. Silence will subside and I will transcend every wavelength, I will dance to the tune of a world of my making. 

For now, I dwell…

Encountering a Dream

22 Sep

I sat down where he ordered me to and I looked at the floor. My hands were twitching so I clasped them closer and locked my thumbs together. My stomach was churning and I couldn’t catch my breath. I had no idea what was going on outside my body, beyond myself. My inhibitions chained my insight and they drowned my mind. I looked at my feet and I noticed the absurdity of my entire position, except I couldn’t get up, I couldn’t stand. My mind flew and then crashed, my heart pounded and I could feel my chest getting heavy. My hair gently surrounded my face and it kept my eyes from wandering. I kept my head still and tried to listen to him speak.

I waited, almost impatiently to hear his voice, but he kept to himself. The silence began pushing my mind to places I was terrified of; the silence was powerful; until he spoke. I closed my eyes and heard him. It was so strong, his voice, his tone, his peace, it was immense. My heart twisted in its place, as if struggling to get out of its routine, my breath was organized, and my limitations closed in. He suddenly raised his voice: “Get out!” … It hit me almost shuffled my hair with its ringing resonance. So I looked up from the floor, and I couldn’t but stare. The beauty that was so striking stared back. His sharpness, his edges and his flaws all attacked my sight; he was so overwhelming I almost smiled.

He held my gaze and whispered “please”. I only found myself retracting into my chair almost wanting to fade. His face, his posture, and his hands everything shook me to the core. He crushed my every cell with hopeless infatuation, he simmered my thoughts on such peaceful flames; it was almost pleasurable. He examined my face and my evading eyes, he looked at me with presumptuous skill, and he was winning me over without even knowing it.

“Look at yourself, enjoy the sight of such gorgeous reflection, love this body and caress this mind. You have no idea, no clue, not even a trace of evidence of what you’re missing. Let me guide you, let me unfold you and crash your walls; I want to, I’m desperate to. I want to show you what reality is, I want to feed you the truth and shower you with moments, I want to sneak into your dreams and find you there too. I need to find you somewhere, because you hide so well, you love so hard but you destroy even better. You lurk behind those nonthreatening eyes and you wait. Give me what you fear most and I shall love you beyond it, crumble into me and I will make you whole. Lay out your plans and let it be, lay out your heart and let it be, lay out your body and let it be. Release yourself and I will not leave your side. Choke me with your doubts and I will not fall, pound your fists unto my soul yet I will always be. Do not deny me yourself, do not cry for tomorrow. I want to, I want to, I shamelessly need to have you.”

He had no idea, did he? I have seen him in my dreams, he practically lived there. Every night he waited for my head to fall unto pillows and my eyes to close. He entered my dreams without permission, he found me there so bare and unprotected. He touched my heart and I surrendered my being to his love. I laughed in my dreams, no inhibitions. Over every wall he stood tall and got to me. He had no idea that I fell to my knees every night needing him, praying for him and searching for him. I felt with him, and I lived, I grew with him and I thrived. He does not know.

As I thought, I felt his breath closer, I smelled his aroma and it filled me. A train crash, an airplane crash, destruction, life, death, birth and hurricanes. Music, Symphonies, Lights and waves all crashed. My mind burned and my heart rebelled. My hands shivered and my eyes watered, every part of my conscious being transformed into divinity. He woke up my ego, my id and my libido; he started the fight and killed them all, then revived them. He jump-started the life in me, and did not know. I felt his hand sweep away my hair and my eyes wandered to find him leaning closer. It only existed in my dreams, this encounter, it was not real, he was not there, I could not believe, I had no faith. And then to the sweet surrender that has become my reaction he whispers “Believe me, this is real”. He grins and my face flushes with every degree and shade of red to have ever been. Peace and war, they made sense at that moment, because I was the victim and the heroin of both; I won, I rejoiced and I felt every bolt of life streaming through my blood. Under all the levels of awareness in me he found mysteries and he stayed, he lingered there so close to me but with no impact. He watched me suffer and revel in his storm; he found rain in my eyes and sweetness on my lips. He softened my edges and calmed my tricks.

It was me and him; and I could hardly move. I was so spell bounded and heartily amazed. I decided to never leave. The wonder of meeting home in the eyes of a stranger, the clarity of finding truth in the vast skies and believing you found the man of your dreams in an unlikely encounter. I collapsed into him and I gave him my words, I surrendered my discoveries and I hid perfection between his mystery and mine.

For you dad,

21 Jun

You were a young man then, i was a baby wearing brown fur overalls. It was winter, everything white and clear. You wrote my name in the snow with your footsteps. I do not remember that, but i watched it on a video tape years after and it stuck in my head. And I find you there every time.

You gave us so much, more than i can ever thank you for, or even come close to equating. I dare speak of independence and individuality when i owe you so much. You do not admit so many things, you find yourself in your own space, your own terms and your own definitions of life.

I realize there is so much that is yet to be achieved in our family, when different things were broken, huge others were mended. I always identified with you, in your silence, and your words; always made an impact on me even as a child.

You have so much to offer to the world, and to the people around you, and when i see you embracing that it gives me personal satisfaction and fulfillment. I have a need to see you happy and content. I would do the near impossible to make you proud and im sure my brothers feel the same.

I say i am your daughter with pride because it directly and magically reflects all your good qualities unto me. Whenever i hear someone speaking of you, as the educator, the adviser, the gentleman, the honest man, the respectful man, the righteous and honorable man; i feel overwhelmed for those are rarely said about one person in our times.

I understand you, even when you think i don’t, i listen to your words and read between the lines; i suppose that is what daughters tend to do. But i feel with you as a person, you are a giver so selflessly and kindly to whoever is in need. I find myself writing things that might be rather hard to say, but i cannot let you believe that if i don’t say something then i don’t feel it. At least that is what i learned from you.

You are my father and my mentor whether in your actions or your words, i do listen to you and i consider pleasing you as one of my goals. eventually, it is the relationships that we form with each other that will carry us through good and hard times. I am getting older yet i see myself as a little girl in your eyes. You will never let me fall, and if you do, it would be your way of teaching me how to face life.

No matter what happens in life, and no matter where we go, i believe i will forever owe you the honor and the pride i have. You gave more than you might ever imagine. I will always be there when you ask for me, whether it is because you want to lecture me or just talk. I will be there; we all will.

Just as you carried me around 20 years ago and wrote my name in snow, i will carry your name, your lessons and your love and imprint them everywhere i leave a good impression. You will find yourself in my achievements just as i found myself in you. I am so much like you and i know all i need is to grow into that greatness.

Thank you baba for everything you have ever done, and will ever do for us. If i happen to disappoint you i will find my way back to making you proud, and when i do, you will be my side hopefully overwhelmed by the joy of finding your own leading their lives in the best ways possible.

We Love you dad, we are geeks too :)) obviously