Chapter Twenty Five: Prologue 

15 Oct

Well here we are. Quarter of a century and still kicking. With the proper nutrition, and medical advances I might even live seventy five years longer. But I’m not betting on it. Whether it’s 75 more years, or just one more day I am more than blessed to be here today. 

I’ve always adopted a rather dramatic approach towards my life. Ive circled around myself like a predator and pounced at myself when weak, I tore myself apart any given chance I got. Except I made it through, it never worked, nothing was ever solved, words were just words at the end of the day, and thoughts remained just thoughts, with no real value. 

Approaching twenty five i began to take it easy, I figured, well if all this hate, this suffering, this negativity surrounding me couldn’t destroy me, then I probably am bigger than this, I am deeper, stronger and much more surreal. I decided to love. I chose it even when walls crashed. I found it in ruins of relationships, broken ideals and beliefs. I created love when it ran out from the hearts surrounding my own. I loved, and I learned. I still am. 

I started to let go, and forgive. I decided that every human I will meet from now on will be a lesson and I will try my best to be a source of light. I started getting comfortable in my skin or lack thereof. I shaved part of my head and i discovered that just like thoughts, my hair wasn’t real either. I was still there, even when uncovered I recognized myself. I overcame my deep fear of loss. I pushed through. 

Twenty five and present, no more preconceived notions. I have exhausted my prejudices, and my thoughts. My doubts are all still present, so are my insecurities and my demons. Except I know them all on first name’s basis now. I see them coming, I greet them and sit with them. The battle to get them to leave has become civil. But very difficult still. 

There is more to life than I thought there was. I will keep this one to myself though. Words are just words after all. Let’s hope that at twenty five, I can live better, love better and just be. 

Thank you 

Pain Place

3 Oct

It seems I have gathered myself here again. A white reflection with brightness reduced to the least to remain easy on the eyes. This time I come here in silence, I open this space and it feels soft and familiar. Soft, that’s definitely the right description. I have some pains but not many and for that I am grateful. I have many blessings and not a few and for that I am also grateful. 

But in this softness, I have come to rest my pains, look at them recognize them and acknowledge them. They are heavy and rough on the edges, I know them because they are mine. I look around and I try not to get weighed down, I try not to get too comfortable because all this space is too welcoming of my sweet destruction along with that of all my pains. 

I start laying them down, they are numerous and scary, and I really want to be a coward right now. They glare and they shake me, my skin sweats and I stay. I get pushed, I get howled at, I get clawed and bitten. Words become nastier and insults become harsher. I stay and I continue laying them down. 

I know my way, I have an exit strategy. I am occupying a space, but I am dominating it. I am doing everything I could. And these pains will not break me tonight. I can see through their violence, and I can tell myself one thing: 

You are okay. Tomorrow will see you better and brighter. 

I Let go and Exit that space.

Full Moon 

16 Sep

I erase line after line, all my phrases seem vacant. I am trying to fake this. It’s not really working. I am trying to run yet my feet are heavy, they won’t move as fast as I hope they would. My breath is short and unforgiving. My mind refuses the track, it refuses the motion it demands that I stand still at this specific moment and just stop for a moment. Just stop. 

I have a million and five thoughts racing to the front lines, my blood freezes at the notions of some and boils for others. My mind demands that all this stops as well. No motion whatsoever, I must stop every transaction, transition and transformation taking place inside and outside of myself. Nothing will happen now, nothing must. 

Being still used to be so much easier that’s for sure, all it took was closing my eyes and sinking. Now I can’t stop.

I grab onto a tune that slows me down, one that forces the friction I have been avoiding. My scars begin to show again, indifference cannot be faked at this pace. I grab onto the night in hopes of shielding my cowardice, maybe the darkness would help make this pause less shameful; but it doesn’t. I am stripped and stranded because I need to stop and listen, to stop and look at everything. Maybe today is special, and maybe that is why I cannot move. 

Naked and foolish I rub my skin and peel off the beauty, I do not need this here. My hair falls to the ground beneath, and my nails grow long enough to claw through this fractured body. I must stop and see, my eyes water and my mind soars. I cannot move but I can see. 

I can see that my soul is aching, I can see that all this motion is sickening. It is mindless and senseless, it is excruciating and exhausting. 

I just stop, unprotected, frail and aimless. I am in awe of this crash. My mind is unclogged. My blood is cleansed. 

Maybe this is being free. 

If I were a man: 

13 Jul

If I were a man fewer people would wonder why I still am unmarried. If I were a man fewer people would feel perplexed by my decisions. 

I would be congratulated for my hard work and my serious attitude regarding my goals. My academic and professional achievements would matter and would have more value. I would not be met with questions on why I am eager to do more and become better, Because what else do I need besides good looks and a decent character? 

If I were a man, I would be patted on the back when I talk about calculated risks and taking firm mature steps. I wouldn’t be met with rolling eyes and nervous smiles. If I were a man talking about the importance of partnership not just a relationship, fewer people would be terrified that I’m going to end up alone. 

If I were a man in this society I probably will have to deal with very different challenges, that are equally discouraging. I will have to be rich by 25, and fully capable of picking up tabs at ridiculously expensive places. I will have to provide for a family of 4 and enjoy traveling with my inlaws. I will also be respected according to how well I score on all previously mentioned criteria. Not too exciting as well!

But then again, to most people the mystery continues, I’m a girl with nice hair and can look pretty in a dress, so what am I really waiting for? 

In a sick society, that force feeds trends and ideals, and utilizes peer pressure to manipulate serious life decisions of both young men and women, individuals are plagued with continuous repetition of idiotic mistakes that could be avoided. Figure out what you can do with the resources that you have to better yourself first, improve your surroundings second, and reproduce last. 

Gratitude Note 

13 Jun

A random set of events inspired me today and made me wonder,
are we really cursed or are we covertly blessed?

To my cognitive surprise: I am beyond blessed tonight.

First thing that comes to mind is the immense love surrounding me, and there he is pulling me ever closer to the truth. I am at peace with decisions made and roads less traveled. I am where I need to be pumping blood into a life I am bound to lead. 

I joke and flirt with words, and I skip over tunes of disbelief that life still envelopes me and every body that I love. This is complete and adequate beyond any repair. 

I write in a room I have grown in, and I fill a blankness I have become overly accustomed to. 

My love is big and brave. It is flexible and comfortable. My mind rests and tonight I am able and I am free. I put an end to a day that has witnessed more life than I may ever see. I send out fleets of words into your world and I close the blinds, binding myself to the dark further teaching myself how to truly see. 

The Fight 

23 Apr

I stare at my palms and at my broken skin. When did this happen? I didn’t see most of it. I didn’t feel any of it. I was so desensitized; I was breathing in rust and breathing out gold. I broke myself while fixing this. The process pauses as I suddenly watch the Reds Browns and greens scale off my knees and my elbows. I find that my hair has turned to rope, my eyes are made of glass. The world is loud, it is immense and psychotic. I am still and I am loveless. My limbs have rusted and nails are black. Somehow I stopped, my soul is awake and it is thunder; it is lightning and it is fearless beyond my fragile body. Shrieks turn to screams, and screams become prayers for redemption. The psychotic world grows even more hysterical but I am awake, and I am becoming. 

I spit out words and bones, I press my palms over my face and I smash the glass. I give my soul eyes, and suddenly I recognize myself. 

One more battle done with this world at war; I am not broken, I am not heavy. I am made of gold and rust; I have a stream of rain running through me. My soul is thunder and I am not not blind. I see you. Beyond anything, and after it all ends; I still see you. 

Try Human

30 Mar

I press my palm on a dream and I turn the world off to hear its heartbeat. It is still alive tonight, as it was lifetimes ago. It doesn’t age and it doesn’t stop, it flows and extends its limbs as far as we want it to. It dances with our shadows and shelters our egos, until we gather enough courage to pick it up, dress it warm and elope with it.

I place my dream next to me every night, and I listen to it hum a melody as I plan our departure, our great adventure. I get light headed and my plans grow too loud for a night in love with silence, so i pull the covers over our heads and i turn on a flashlight. We practice accents and personas, we imagine vast fields of green and northern lights over our heads. We trek volcanoes and we float in sky reflecting waters. Heartbeats and breaths grow deeper and softer, we sink lower into the wilderness of light within us, until we can no longer hear our own doubts and fears. We leap out of the night and into a surreal world.

I peek onto the lives of those surrounding me and I wish I could show them their own little dreams hiding beneath their voices and under their beds, with heartbeats as strong as drums but muffled with an unnecessary vicious reality. I watch my days pass and I fear that i could someday forget where my own dream resides, but i write to remind myself that mine exists in this space i have created as soon as i realized how powerful reality is. I saved my dream and I practiced reality to the best of my knowledge, and though i still fail sometimes, and though i lose myself often; I know where to find myself once and again.

I know that wonder strikes even the best of us, and that awe fills the heart of every human who allows it passage. I know that we are never really ready to let go, and that bloody knuckles and broken wrists are signs of strength to some. We have needs beyond our grasp, and we are human beyond our control. We live as though we are here for ever, as though we have nothing to lose. We live looking back, and looking forward. We tuck our dreams away for the good days when we can actually have time for them. Except may be we shouldn’t wait. Except maybe eloping right now is giving your self the best life you will ever know. Maybe all you need, right here and right now is to let go of doubt, fear and judgement, and wake to a life completely made for you.

 

Mist and Mystery 

24 Mar

I suddenly love this world of grey surrounding me. I suddenly do not fear the rapture, I am bordering fearlessness. I hear the music echoing from the depths within, my skin tightens and cracks, my hair catches a spark and it flares like weaves and waves of fire. My eyes grow wider and I see everything, I see everyone and I am everywhere. Time stops for me and I pounce forward, I run with it.

Mist and mystery collide into brilliance in a darkened world. In a faded space I find myself made up of fire and ice, I find myself in the fog becoming, simmering, aching, breaking and mending all at once. But in that smoke filled room I am alone. I am silent and I am in awe. There is only me in this grey area, and I am free to love and to be. I cannot fight the light and I refuse to give up on that stark darkness, because all I ever wanted was to exist in between, slowly, all at once and always.

Midnight Forest

6 Mar

Can fire be created in a fog? Can sparks be formed in the damp midnight air? When leaves are blackened by the night, are they really still green just because they ought to be? 

I have all sorts of questions I am dying to ask to somebody who like me is living in this midnight forest. I have all sorts of hopes I wish to explain, and sounds I wish to interpret. I have assumptions waiting for the light of day to either be confirmed or refuted. I just really want to know, but as soon as I close my eyes, I am alone again in my midnight forest treading on broken branches, bones chilled to the core, and noises of the night surround me. 

I take careful steps as I’ve really learned my way, what trails to step on and which not to. I breathe in damp cold air and I see the vacuum. It is everywhere and I am lost. I am lost in time, history and space. I am lost between night and day just wandering in the last speck of dark just before the break of dawn. 

I anticipate and I tread softly. I finally believe in something, that this too shall pass. That the dark will lend itself to the first speck of day and I will be there lost in the jungle but ready to burst in flame. And once I catch a light life will essentially begin. I will breathe in light and breathe out flame, I will bask in the color of red yellow and grey. I will witness the forest greens and I will light up the bluest skies; because I know lack of color and I know the midnight trail. 

Once I catch a speck of light, the night will sing my praise; that I once lived in its realms and painted the softest maze. It will bow and walk away graceful and free of pain. It will subside with a break of dawn and silently let me be. One mind, one heart and a fire in between. 

here 

17 Feb

I spill onto this page whatever I see fit for a retrospective reading later on. Too much caffiene in my system keeps my heart awake and my mind sharper than I would like it to be. Then again I grab a song by its feet and I place it by my side. I attempt to look inside beneath the layers of skin and muscle, beneath the burns and the veins. I dive in the depths, until I hit the chilled waters and the forgotten spaces, every person i used to be. 

Beneath it all, little matters of the outside world. I know that as a start. I know that the love within is undeniable and exquisite. It light and weightless. It is so pleasant, it demands no attention to exist. Somewhere here with me I find no loneliness, I find solace; a reality I so badly want to see. I find a sanctuary of nothingness and everything to ever exist. I stay here and I watch the dirt of the day wash away. I am cleansed and purified and I am prepared to live again.