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To be seen

22 Jul

Possibly you think of me before you sleep, probably you don’t, and that’s ok. At least one of us does. When have I become so diplomatic? So soft spoken and easy to sway just as your wind blows. I know exactly when, how and why . 

The beat remains and the pounding gets deeper and sharpens my senses. Things are going to change, we are probably going to change, and only we will know. So let’s live today and continue exactly like this. Today, nothing needs to change. 

I sit on the steps of the front door of our come what may life and I stare at you twirling and becoming beside me. You extend your arms to me and I cannot but come to you. We wrestle to the ground and laugh as we crash. My bruised finger amuses you as you pretend that your eyes cannot see the blue. 

I start to explain where the pain is and how you can’t relate to it because it’s not yours, as you stare into my serious eyes with student like attention. Am I really lecturing you about pain? So typical. Yet you still go ahead and bring me a bag of ice you put it on my hand and ask me to continue with a smirk. 

This matters. The bag of ice, the smirk, the listening… it all counts to the fact that you see me. That is all that matters, and don’t we all want to be seen? 

Nothing Lost 

5 Mar

It remains a struggle to look outside of yourself and truly comprehend the wonder in this world. It remains an endless challenge to still believe at the end of the day, right before you close your eyes that you have been a force of good, a positive reinforcement to the powers at play. 

I dwell in the sunlight as I write, it envelopes my body like a loving mother covers a cold child. The spots that have darkened with life, are cleared away by the grace of light. 

I am still and bright, I am quiet as I gain my strength back. Nothing is ever lost inside this light. She watches from afar and greets my wanderlust soul, she watches from afar and smiles as I win this fight. 

It requires practice and might, it requires a journey through the dark. It is sometimes easy and at times a plight. She grants me a lantern and a ring to my step; she teaches me a song and disappears from sight. 

Nothing is ever lost within this light. 

Latch

15 Nov

You mess up my hair, my bed and my mind. You change my accent, my perspective and my expectations. You shake my shoulders and beat my brains with words and tunes. You lift everything up and then we both fall through the crevices of eachother. You have no reason but your want. You need nothing but your need. You are you and I’ve never known any you like you. You even make me write weird.
You dared to smash up the hardest work I’ve ever done. You had the nerve to break my barricade, you know no boundaries.
Let’s compete and see whose limits die first. Chase this fleeting insanity and choke it with ridiculously good music. You break my wall, I break yours. Then we are even. You permeate my space, I move into yours.
Close enough? We haven’t even begun yet, so don’t look away.

Life Lesson: Love Never Lost

11 Jul

I take in a deep breath and refrain from the sigh that usually follows. I glance at the companion of my choice tonight and my cup of coffee never looked as enticing or filling. It is already past midnight and my beautiful selfish mind rises to the occasion dressed in the deepest shades of thought.

My words haven’t been so diverse lately nor has my manner of speaking; and the reason is not a lack of events but a surplus of denial. A denial that a change once injected into a lifestyle needs time to take over. A denial that i haven’t been honest with these pages or with myself. A denial that no matter how much i repeat that i am OK, it will not suffice. A denial that giving up a piece of myself was as easy as typing Goodbye.

This is where i decide to come clean. My cup of liquid insomnia is filled up to the rim; enough to consume the night every sip at a time, and face a moon i have been hiding away from for a while now.

Truth is: I made a decision that i do not regret. I changed my life because i needed to, because i knew the path i was on was not mine. I probably baffle and confuse anybody who attempts to listen to me because one cannot explain abstract convictions to people who dwell on the practical. Maybe my trace of crazy finally came out and limped too frantically and frighteningly in front of people. Maybe losing what i lost means finding what i am bound to live for. All i know is that no matter how absurd our decisions could sound to our audiences, they remain at the end of the day our own, they become treasured possessions that nobody can ever take away.

I thought for too long, i lived inside my head believing that i can construct a world of my own free of damage, clear of trouble; and i was wrong. It turns out that the person living in my own world was not the same person living in everybody else’s. It turns out i was leading a double life of double thinking without even knowing it. It turns out i put out the biggest act without even auditioning. Everything i had written on those pages was truth for me except i could never say it so clearly in words. And so i hid, and i kept to myself, my inhibitions grew and my head became more crowded until i eventually broke.

The spill was too immense, too overwhelming, it was ground breaking and life changing. The decision to get out of my own constructed world left nothing unharmed and the person in question utterly confused.

I write tonight though my heart aches and my back breaks. I write tonight empty of love but full of courage to own up to my actions and speak about my decisions. I write tonight in need of redemption and in pursuit of peace. I write tonight trying to merge my construct of the world with the real one. I write in acknowledgement of a relationship so worthy of my truth and my honesty. I write to the stars that shine; though they are empty of life their light endlessly remains.

We are worthy of love. And even when love no longer lives inside a relationship it remains in the moments past and the words shared. We never lose love because it is never ours. We find love and it might evade us to be found somewhere else where it is more comfortable, where love is happy and not ill. We are worthy of love. It is whole it is eternal. Sometimes we taste bits of it sometimes we receive doses that last us a lifetime. It is everywhere all we need to do is just let it in.

Sometimes We Need

8 Mar

Sometimes we need to generalize in order to get through those lonely days. We have our fights but our wounds are the same. We give so much of our hearts and we quietly scramble away with whatever is left of our prides. We drag our fears along everywhere we go and we hide our hopes in prospects that life will pay us back.
We smile and hide away when all we want is to be seen. We pretend for too long until our humanity brings us to our knees.
Today I lay humbled before the tragedy of being just human after all. I have no more pride because just like everyone else i need so much, more than i could ever admit. I need love and peace. I need honesty and kindness. I need someone’s smile and someone’s compassion. I need the strength and the power that lives inside the core of every mother and father. I need so desperately to feel some sort of magic buried within this world. I need faith in my self and mostly in others, because i am almost sure that i cannot do this on my own.
What we all need is to find one another and feel again.

Love Story for me

3 Feb

Every person deserves a love story. And i do not want to speak about love, i do not want to sing about love, i dont even want to read about love. Tonight i decide to invite love whichever way it shows itself into my life.
Love could be the very thought of my cat, and it could be the innocent laugh of my baby cousin. Love could be every stranger i shared a moment with, and love could be the beautiful memories i have unchained and unsensored.
This waltz im listening to has infected my mind with images of big dresses and men in uniform, it has intoxicated my imagination with thoughts of undying adoration and immortal love struck characters. I believe romance has found its way into my senses after all.
The question remains, who should i share or express this love to. Well, its about time that i give myself the unyeilding power of faith and genuine love. I will feed my soul the climax of passion and the tenderness of gratitude. I believe the time has come for me to acknowledge my own humanity, my own softness and my own edge. I believe forgiving myself is the only way in and out of every reckage i have suffered. No truth is more credible than my own proclaimed surrender.
I write to remember, and hopefully find redemption in my own solitude. I will let go and i will release the weight of a very heavy world; for it is not mine to keep. As i take this path of mortality, i accept every human emotion and mental imbalance. I understand the permeability of my uncertainty and the crude substance of my own life. My world is what i introduce to it, and in this snow capped night i open every door, portal and outlet to love. For that is the foundation of my spirit and the secret to my joy.
No success is tangible unless it has mind, heart and soul all at peace and harmony with each other.
This is my own love story.

Come lay with me

4 Oct

Come lay with me and i will tell you my secret. Come rest your head and you will love my story. Come lay with me and trust only my words. See love i know so much, more than i want to. I can shake your world and keep you sane. I can smash up the walls, rip out the floors and leave you there. I can so much; except i dont.
Come lay with me let me see you, let me touch innocence and drain out the good. Give me your peace and i shall give you my chaos. Let me tell you what you want to hear while i lie to you and pretend i feel. Let me give you what you have never had while i steal what i need. Let me catch you and let me love, everything you are and everything im not.
Come watch me undress my mind, while i rest in your own, let me dwell in your storm while i hide from the sun. Give me hypocrisy and i shall tell you my truth. Trust me with your life while i cry for my own. Dance to my song and take my music; live between the lines and find meaning for yourself while i search for mine.
Let me fill you and fulfill your every desire, let me chain your passion unto my own then watch me overwhelm you. Scratch through my surface and find no surprise, look into my eyes and see yourself.
Love my contradiction, and need my destruction, obsess about my mind and live for my body. Crave my sound and touch my wreckage. Unwind my terror and settle my battles; take my silence and find my faith.
Come lay with me and i will tell you my secrets, come dwell in me and change my story.

Encountering a Dream

22 Sep

I sat down where he ordered me to and I looked at the floor. My hands were twitching so I clasped them closer and locked my thumbs together. My stomach was churning and I couldn’t catch my breath. I had no idea what was going on outside my body, beyond myself. My inhibitions chained my insight and they drowned my mind. I looked at my feet and I noticed the absurdity of my entire position, except I couldn’t get up, I couldn’t stand. My mind flew and then crashed, my heart pounded and I could feel my chest getting heavy. My hair gently surrounded my face and it kept my eyes from wandering. I kept my head still and tried to listen to him speak.

I waited, almost impatiently to hear his voice, but he kept to himself. The silence began pushing my mind to places I was terrified of; the silence was powerful; until he spoke. I closed my eyes and heard him. It was so strong, his voice, his tone, his peace, it was immense. My heart twisted in its place, as if struggling to get out of its routine, my breath was organized, and my limitations closed in. He suddenly raised his voice: “Get out!” … It hit me almost shuffled my hair with its ringing resonance. So I looked up from the floor, and I couldn’t but stare. The beauty that was so striking stared back. His sharpness, his edges and his flaws all attacked my sight; he was so overwhelming I almost smiled.

He held my gaze and whispered “please”. I only found myself retracting into my chair almost wanting to fade. His face, his posture, and his hands everything shook me to the core. He crushed my every cell with hopeless infatuation, he simmered my thoughts on such peaceful flames; it was almost pleasurable. He examined my face and my evading eyes, he looked at me with presumptuous skill, and he was winning me over without even knowing it.

“Look at yourself, enjoy the sight of such gorgeous reflection, love this body and caress this mind. You have no idea, no clue, not even a trace of evidence of what you’re missing. Let me guide you, let me unfold you and crash your walls; I want to, I’m desperate to. I want to show you what reality is, I want to feed you the truth and shower you with moments, I want to sneak into your dreams and find you there too. I need to find you somewhere, because you hide so well, you love so hard but you destroy even better. You lurk behind those nonthreatening eyes and you wait. Give me what you fear most and I shall love you beyond it, crumble into me and I will make you whole. Lay out your plans and let it be, lay out your heart and let it be, lay out your body and let it be. Release yourself and I will not leave your side. Choke me with your doubts and I will not fall, pound your fists unto my soul yet I will always be. Do not deny me yourself, do not cry for tomorrow. I want to, I want to, I shamelessly need to have you.”

He had no idea, did he? I have seen him in my dreams, he practically lived there. Every night he waited for my head to fall unto pillows and my eyes to close. He entered my dreams without permission, he found me there so bare and unprotected. He touched my heart and I surrendered my being to his love. I laughed in my dreams, no inhibitions. Over every wall he stood tall and got to me. He had no idea that I fell to my knees every night needing him, praying for him and searching for him. I felt with him, and I lived, I grew with him and I thrived. He does not know.

As I thought, I felt his breath closer, I smelled his aroma and it filled me. A train crash, an airplane crash, destruction, life, death, birth and hurricanes. Music, Symphonies, Lights and waves all crashed. My mind burned and my heart rebelled. My hands shivered and my eyes watered, every part of my conscious being transformed into divinity. He woke up my ego, my id and my libido; he started the fight and killed them all, then revived them. He jump-started the life in me, and did not know. I felt his hand sweep away my hair and my eyes wandered to find him leaning closer. It only existed in my dreams, this encounter, it was not real, he was not there, I could not believe, I had no faith. And then to the sweet surrender that has become my reaction he whispers “Believe me, this is real”. He grins and my face flushes with every degree and shade of red to have ever been. Peace and war, they made sense at that moment, because I was the victim and the heroin of both; I won, I rejoiced and I felt every bolt of life streaming through my blood. Under all the levels of awareness in me he found mysteries and he stayed, he lingered there so close to me but with no impact. He watched me suffer and revel in his storm; he found rain in my eyes and sweetness on my lips. He softened my edges and calmed my tricks.

It was me and him; and I could hardly move. I was so spell bounded and heartily amazed. I decided to never leave. The wonder of meeting home in the eyes of a stranger, the clarity of finding truth in the vast skies and believing you found the man of your dreams in an unlikely encounter. I collapsed into him and I gave him my words, I surrendered my discoveries and I hid perfection between his mystery and mine.

Him.

13 Jul

He lives inside those beautiful scenes. Where the mountains reach for the skies, he smiles. When the wind blows and shuffles my hair he flirts. He embraces my fear and kisses my insecurities. He is everything i know and everything mysterious. He challenges me in my love and in my hate. He gives me every reason for both.
He feels my pain and talks me through it. He looks through me and into every secret in my eyes. He loves truth but lives among liers. He preaches and swears, he contradicts and challenges those who overwhelm him.
He takes me higher and still manages to destroy me everyonce in a while. He is unsure yet craves certainty. He speaks of adoration yet is not a master of it. He smells of hope and security, still he reeks of the classic and conventional.
He dances To his own beats and sways me along, he finds my insanity entertaining yet damaging at times. It plays on his nerves and thoughts disrupt his classic composure until he finds himself so bare in my presence.
He flies and goes higher he chases me everywhere. He whispers in my ears until i smile and then leaves.
He leaves when im in love, and he leaves when i hate. He leaves when im happy and when im down. It never takes too long for either extremes to occur. He leaves when hes fed up and he leaves when hes wanting more. He leaves all the time.
Maybe its that secret, its that mystery and that torture at times that captures me and changes me.
Maybe im only human after all and maybe you wont understand, maybe you know how unbelievable for all those qualities to exist in one, and maybe you believe so deeply that they do.
Maybe i myself will never know, maybe i already do. I love what i have yet to find out. And i breathe to find him smiling everytime he comes back.

The only one

15 May

The only one. The beauty and posession of it. The peace and horror interlocked into one entity. The only one and the intensity of it, the anarchy within sensing the mortality of that human.
The only one, the immense make believe of it, the shattering fairytale and longing in the most desperate sense.
The whole world for a moment shoots itself into a gaze of endlessness. The need for hopefulness and appreciation. The only one to love your insanity and appreciate your truth. The only one to fall to his knees for you, begging you for immortality.
The only one to be of constant use, never to think of you as disposable. The closeness and physical adoration for one.
The moment with only one to turn your world upside down and inward out. To excite you and shatter your dreams into reality.
The bitterness of really understanding, knowing and accepting that The only one exists only in a moment not a lifetime.