advice Love

When Your Budding Romance Shows its Teeth

And so we look at the person and we suddenly see flaws, some big and some meaningless, maybe a red flag waves high, maybe we plant it there to tell ourselves one thing: THE SPARK IS GONE.

You find yourself plastered in front of your TV. She blinks twice and he slams his body into hers as he then releases his grip and gives her one of the gentlest kisses to ever be featured on screen. Damn, I think to myself, love looks so glamorous in movies. They portray two lovers longing for each other, each overcoming a series of challenges to find their way once and for all into the arms of the other. They then remain in a sultry heaven-like love lock for their days on end. BEAUTIFUL.

But, slightly FALSE too.

Love is gentle and it is beautiful but we are not deities or angels who do not falter. Surely, a budding romance does make us feel that way, we even believe it for the first couple of months maybe even years. We can all love the God image of our lovers, but can we love their human one?

Have you ever noticed the moment you realize that your love interest is human after all? Not in the mental or physical sense, but in that they suddenly become real, and you can see them not just through lust’s eye but through your human lens as well. The experience doesn’t always look the same and sometimes we simply don’t notice it. It goes something like this: “Something’s changed, you (or I) have changed”. The other person then responds, “but what happened? I didn’t do anything. The reply:”Exactly.”

Nothing happened, but something has changed. What do we do then?

There are options and people behave in different ways when this happens. Especially when nothing has effectively changed but our perception of one another. And so we look at the person and we suddenly see flaws, some big and some meaningless, maybe a red flag waves high, maybe we plant it there to tell ourselves one thing: THE SPARK IS GONE.

It is absolutely normal to not register who the human in front of you is for a while when you have placed them on a marvelous pedestal. You see them from a distance, you place every hope on them and they keep on getting higher in your mind. Then time happens, or a mundane situation has them plummet from that pedestal and into your lap. You suddenly look at the human and their beauty, but you cannot help but notice the weight of their thoughts, and their feelings, their behaviors, their pasts and their futures. That is where you decide if you are willing to help them with their burdens, if those are worth it or not. You are not obliged in any way to over extend yourself or to try and build their pedestal all over again. You get to see them for who they really are; some good some bad, some roughness and some pain.

Some people cannot tolerate the come down, and so they leave before it happens or as it happens. Others understand that the process is mutual. Love is a seed in a budding relationship. You could toss the seed away if you find that you expected a tropical garden and all they could give you was a sun flower. Or you could cultivate a dream half way through, that is if you both liked each other as humans, and shared some basic values, laughter, some good music and a genuine attitude.

We prefer to stick to our ideas of how things should be, but we cannot expect others to buy in on our takes. The God image of our significant other is the love image we keep on painting. It is not limited to our opinions when we first meet, but if we can incorporate their real image with how we choose to see them in a healthy way, we could be incredible together. The person we love is better than most but not the best there is. The person we choose in his/her many forms is malleable capable of growth; mirroring our own openness and flexibility. No body should fit into a mold we force them into; and we must not create the mold in the first place.

The pedestal breaks and we find that the holy love we chose to romance is just a person after all. Just a person who is capable of love and support, a person with eccentricities and funny glitches. The beautiful thing about this however is that You Are Too.

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