No truth tonight

24 Jan

This place seems to be the only comfort zone i have left. Everything else is uprooted, destroyed, faded or broken. Nothing remains in the end of a really bad day but my words and my mediocre self expression skills. Nothing remains but a late night battle with well earned self loathing and canned aggression towards everything i stand for. Everything i preach in words and silver lined rythms is a product of my destroyed and mythical imagination.
I write and i put words together in attempts of comforting my long lost mind, in hope of regaining faith in the beauty i see every once in a while, In aims of distracting my damaged excuse of a dream. I dont know, i really never knew as much as i don’t know now. I almost lose touch with my senses, my cravings and my motives.
When my escape is my home, and my home has generated into the escape, my entire world is shifted, twisted and upside down; and no one complicates things as professionally as me. I am the master of labels and definitions, but when it comes to sorting out my own mess, i simply drive myself mad enough to an extent where i give myself material to write about. Instead of actually fixing what needs to be dealt with i submerge my coward self into a pit of mind draining logic, and heart wrenching drama. I end up with a pathetic justification of words and excuses, of emotions and thoughts that really do not make sense.
And so just because human ears and human compassion can only go so far, i decide to practice my linguistic, lyrical and passive sport of one ended conversations with this blank, dull page here.
No where, no one and nothing will ever comfort you when you are in need, at least not fully. When we break, no matter how eloquently we express it, we are broken. And nothing broken is as good as new, not in this world we live in. So whatever soothing and calming words you can offer yourself, do that, tell yourself that you are ok. Tell yourself that you are strong. Tell yourself that beauty is still waiting outside your window, except right now your vision is blurry and your mind is uncertain. Tell your self that the lack of comfort is the reason you are blind to any form of beauty tonight. Tell yourself that tomorrow is a new day, and the sun always shines, every day. Find comfort in the eternity of that process and draw the peace you need for sleep from the longing you feel for such certainty.
The sun will rise tomorrow, and so will you. All will heal when you allow yourself to say the few words you avoided by writing all that.
Not tonight.

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3 Responses to “No truth tonight”

  1. monochromejunkie March 21, 2013 at 5:52 pm #

    This is probably one of the most truthful, honest, stark, in-your-face courageous posts I’ve ever read. This is the kind of stuff that drives me forward in life, and I will take pieces of this and that from here, and roll it up around me and become a better artist- moved and inspired by it, and by you. Don’t let the echoing silence of “blog-land” define your talents as a writer, and no doubt other things. You’re freaking talented! Sometimes, people read things that are SO honest- they are speechless. And especially today, when many people simply leave the drive-by, reciprocal, one-liner comment (and you’re lucky to get that, eh?!) -it begs the question, “Does anybody really care?”

    Yes. Unfortunately, most people want to simply press a “like” button and move on. That way, they don’t even have to come to your blog really, they just have to like everything to death from the blogroll. (What a life, huh?)

    I make an effort to actually “speak”, but not only speak- appraise, critique, deconstruct and reconstruct what you have written and what it means to me. I know it’s not everybody’s way of doing things, but it’s mine. And, it’s the least I can do to say “thank you” and this is how you’ve touched me, and I say that with a dried tear now pasted on my cheek.

    xo

    • Nour Hejase March 21, 2013 at 9:27 pm #

      Aw the tear part im sorry for!! Otherwise, i really believe that if we can ever get to the bottom of understanding ourselves, then life takes a completely different form. Its no longer the boring ride people preach about. It becomes extraordinary.

      • monochromejunkie March 21, 2013 at 10:03 pm #

        Extraordinary indeed. And no, thanks for the tear! (Tears are my friends.) xo

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