Late night rambling

I caught myself lying tonight. I didnt see it at first but then it became clear. I didnt believe that i had become that good at it. I stared myself down until i broke. Well i didnt break into tears, but into words.
I am too quiet, i keep my thoughts and my words to myself. I laugh gently, never shockingly, i smile at my wrongs while i punish myself with self loathing, i cry at almost anything that comes close to any form of sensation. I have become so dependent and inverted into this personality that i lost hope of any new qualities i might attain. My fear of ultimate self definition has braught me to the simplest and most deceitful form of it. I ran away from extremes until there was no more black or white in me. Plain grey and nothing to catch the eye.
Slowly i looked into her and i felt distant from my own reflection. Not intending to bring anything new to the table, Just the most cliche and popularly acclaimed notion; i felt detached.
This modesty that i live by has reached a form of intense apathy as to disregard my own intensities and walk away from my own truths. I fear knowing what i want, and i deny myself the pleasure of egoism. I have become so well trained to distance myself that i myself am lost.
They say every person has a spark in them, waiting to be ignited or for the life of it extinguished. Too many things have been said, but nothing really matters in that sense.
I feel as though i am waiting, i really do not know for what or for who. Maybe i am keeping my spark for the right moment, event or person. Who knows?
And so i close my eyes and open up, hoping that i am one of the lucky ones. Hoping that life had pre installed fireworks in me instead of a spark. Not because i am greedy but because believe me oh dear life, i need fireworks to burn through all that grey, all that ash that i have, even possibly large amounts of dust too; considering the boring nature of a person who actually enjoys reading and writing.
Amongst so many words, my ego is tickled for some reason; for maybe i find myself here. Sometimes crawling between all the hateful terms; yet at other times resting behind the word hope trying to make sense of the humiliating amount of words i have written when i assumingly am a quiet person.